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12 weeks old

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Wow my life has changed in just 12 weeks… I can’t believe how much he’s changed in 12 weeks.

I’m still recovering in many ways from Henry’s Birthday, luckily the day had a happy ending, but in many ways I’m still taking in everything that happened that day and it’s longer effects on my life.

Mainly its taught me not to dwell too much on slim possibilities of what they day could have been.

I wish I had gone into labor naturally, but in reality by 41 weeks I could barely walk I was in so much constant pain… it was time for him to come out.

I wish I could have last longer once the contractions started, but in reality my I had an hour and a half of perfectly manageable contractions and then they went from 0 to 60 within minutes, they were irregular, sometimes over lapping, body wracking, nausea inducing, and were so intense the peaks flattened out on the monitor because the machine couldn’t track them and I wasn’t even half way dilated yet.

I wish the terms “failure to progress” and “fetal intolerance to labor” had never had to be used in my labor, but in reality I’m glad I had doctors and nurses who knew what they were doing.  (P.S. “Fetal Intolerance to Labor” is the new term to replace “Fetal Distress” i.e. every time I turned on my right side Henry’s heartbeat either dropped or became irregular).

I wish that I had given birth the natural way, but in reality after over 12 hours of labor, 6 hours of no progress, a baby who was face up and not turning and worries about the baby in general we made the best decision.

I wish  I hadn’t contracted a fever, had dramatic blood pressure problems and lost enough blood to become very anemic during my c-section, but in reality I was eternally grateful for modern medicine.

I wish I hadn’t been so weak after surgery that I couldn’t hold my son for almost 9 hours post op, but after nine months of sickness, stress and depression Iwas grateful we both made it to that point, whenever it happened.

But, in reality 9 hours after my operation I was holding baby who was healthy, a 9.9 on the Apgar and filled me with such love I couldn’t imagine and if I had to do it all over again exactly the same I would if I could get the same results.

A part of me does wish that I had one of those blissful labors, but in the end  I knew that the labor wasn’t about me, it was about making the right decisions give my son the best chance he had on entering the world and I did just that.


Okay, I lied about how I would go through everything again.  There is one part I would change, a part I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell.

I wish that there hadn’t been some odd and discernible to the naked eye on one of my ovaries.

I wish I hadn’t been listening to the doctors and residents talking about it.

I wish the test result hadn’t come back positive.

I wish that only twenty minutes after discovering the joy of bring a life into the world I hadn’t learned that I had endometriosis.

I wish women with endometriosis had an average chance of becoming pregnant that was higher than 40%.

But in reality, as I keep telling myself, I will have more children if and when I am supposed to.  I beat it once without even knowing that I was fighting it.  If it’s meant to be I’ll do it again.

But for now I’m thankful for what I do have.


6 responses »

  1. Wow. As if your labor wasn’t enough, what an ending! You truly did the right thing in focusing on your son’s and your own health. And all I can think after reading all of that is what a strong and amazing woman you are.

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  4. I just saw this. I’m so glad you made it through such a tough day. I had an induced labor, but was able to deliver vaginally (after 30 hours including over 3 hours of pushing and foreceps!), but I knew from the beginning I’d have to be induced, so I had time to get used to the idea that I wouldn’t get a natural birth.

    It’s amazing that you got pregnant with endo without having to use any meds or have surgery. And now that you know about it, when you want to have another baby, you can move forward with that in mind. I know for me, with having PCOS, it was good that I knew about it going into the whole process, because it made me realize from the beginning that it would probably take a while to happen. Not that it made the waiting any easier, but I wasn’t shocked that it happened that way, and may happen that way in the future.

    Your little boy is too precious!

    • You know, I just reviewed my medical records for that day a week ago (cause I’m trying to learn everything I can about what happened and why). I used to feel so bad, like a wuss, that I only made it about 1.5 hours before screaming for an epidural, until I read that at the time I first told them I was going to need it (an hour and half from inducation) I was already having 2-4 minute apart contractions…. I had one hour of the leisurely 10-15 minute apart cramp-like contractions. I don’t feel as bad about it anymore. =D

      I’m glad that if I have to have the disease that I know about it… I have this gut feeling that due to the size of the spot they found that one of the ovaries might as well not be there, so I too feel like I’ll be better prepared in the future.

      Thanks for all your lovely words! =D


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